Robot is my knight in shining armor. Shining, bullet-proof, radion armor. He is so kind and gentle. The way he sets his laser sights on me. The way his hydraulics drive me crazy. He might have cold, metal hands, but he has a warm, synthetic heart. And it has eight valves!! No monster in history has ever been loved half as much as he loves me. And we just installed iLove 06, so I know that's true.
Our wedding took place in a crater in Nevada. It has a special meaning for me, as I grew up in a crater. We exchanged vows under a titanium orb, as is the cyborg custom. I had to convert to the cyborg belief system, otherwise our interspecies marriage wouldn't have been recognized by the Pangalactic Civil Records Bureau - with pretty large tax implications, I can tell you!! Anyway, here are some pix from the reception. People had a crazy time. It was one amazing day.
OUR VOWS
I, Jennifer Monster, take you Robot RG7800-2/beta to be my semi-lawful wedded husbandbot.
To have and to hold, for eternity.
If not eternity, then at least until either your fuel cell degrades beyond recharging, or I metamorphose into a giant space moth and disappear into a pangalactic wormhole.
You are my love. My heart's hardware. My soul's CPU.
You are my version 1.0, my version 5.7 and my OS Liger.
Your multi-tasking delights me and your operating system rarely crashes.
But when it does, I will be there to reboot you.
And replace any broken parts that the recent spate of planned obsolescence in robodesign may necessitate.
I freely give you my love and my support and my collection of alien carcasses.
You will always have a place in both my hearts. And even in my third smaller vestigial heart located in my right shoulder.
As an inter-species couple, we are living proof of love's power to unite.
To overcome the obstacles that we may find in our way.
Like hub compatibility. Or emotion-sharing protocol.
We shall come together in times of trouble.
Like when I need delousing. Or when you have limited bandwidth.
I promise to control my rage. You know it's just a monster thing.
I promise I will never try to eat you ever again. Even though you are one tasty guy.
Let us fly through life together, as we did in Taiwan. You with your experimental helicopter attachment, and me riding the fabled horned dragon of Istylia.
My love, My Robot.
I, Robot RG7800-2/beta, take you, Jennifer Monster, to be my adminstrator-approved wedded wife.
I had only one emotional response before I met you. Now I have three.
Your love has made me what I am today. Although my next-generation self-repair utility must take some of the credit.
I look at you, and I see more than a huge binary sequence. I see a hexidecimal matrix, much better for distinguishing color in ultra high definition.
And I see your atomic goodness. Your organic matter is arranged in a striking manner.
You are the light of my life, even though my double reflex lenses make it possible for me to see in complete darkness.
You entered my motherboard like a Trojan horse virus, infecting my system in 6.4 nanoseconds.
You make me wish I could laugh and cry. Even though I know laughing could destabilize my mainframe and tears would create a small electrical fire in my head console.
No security patch can keep you out.
No firewall can quench your passion.
You are my internal clock.
You are my default preference.
I offer you full access privileges to my emoticore.
Forever. Or more accurately until January 10th 2689 when according to my probability processor, a giant space-fish will eat the planet Earth.
End of transmission.
ROBOT'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS The ones that didn't make the cut
Blair ~ This one kept calling and calling after he dumped her. Hide your bunnies!!!
Phillipa Bonery ~ She and Robot actually lived together for a while after college. I think she’s a teacher now.
Frances ~ I spy with my huge eye, something beginning with CELLULITE.
Dominique ~ Poor Robie got burned by this awful, awful, girl
Galgoryx ~ She's my second cousin so I can't hate.
This one was called Jen too! There’s no room for two Jen’s in Hollywood, baby!
Eileen ~ This one was sooooooo desperate. I was like, get some self-respect. Robot’s with me now.
Karen ~ Too much monster.
Kelly ~ She ripped out his emoticore, injected it with her digestive fluids and then sucked up the liquefied remains.
Britney ~ I don’t know WHAT he was thinking with her.
